‘Helicopter parents’ –
too much of a good thing?
It can be tough to decide how best to respond when your child has a problem. On one hand, you don’t want your kids to experience unnecessary pain; on the other hand, you want them to grow up to be responsible.
Besides, it’s a competitive world, and you don’t want your children’s mistakes to cost them opportunities that require a record of high achievement.
In this context, it feels urgent to advocate for your daughter with the soccer coach when she’s benched for missing practice, or complain to the English teacher when your son’s excellent composition is downgraded because it was turned in late. How will she get into Select Soccer if she doesn’t play today? What if he loses his chance for Harvard because of a “B” on this paper?
Parents jump into situations like these with the best of intentions, and your “saving the day” may make your child feel more successful and happy in the present.
But in the long run, rescuing kids from their own mistakes prevents them from developing a sense of pride and responsibility that will sustain them throughout their lives. Like medical “air care,” it’s best to save the helicopter for true emergencies.
How do you decide what to do?
- Recognize that some of the most important lessons children learn in school and in extracurricular activities relate to responsibility. Owning the consequences of their actions is essential to becoming happy, productive adults.
- Children are resilient! Good parenting doesn’t mean trying to prevent your children from ever feeling disappointed or sad. Instead, use your compassion to help your child manage and learn from those feelings when a mistake is made.
- Avoid swooping in to “fix” your children’s mistakes – whether it’s dropping off the forgotten lunch or staying up until 4 a.m. to complete their science project. When you take over, it robs your children of the experiences of responsibility and accomplishment that are the building blocks of self-esteem.
- Assess your child’s ability to deal with the situation. Unless your child is truly overwhelmed, help him work out a plan rather than solving the problem for him.
- Sometimes parents do need to intervene. If your child is upset day after day, dreads school or activities, or is not progressing academically, it’s time to talk with the teacher or coach.
--Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is Director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center, as well as a parent coach, therapist and mother of two, ages 25 and 27.