“I did use soap! See the bubbles?” proclaims your sticky-fingered 3-year-old, chin jutted out, barely taller than the bathroom sink.
It’s a shock to discover that your child has developed the savvy to spin a tall tale to avoid your disapproval! Not to worry: it’s normal for kids to experiment with avoiding rules and consequences. Your child is showing that she knows what she should have done and she knows to attempt to avoid trouble by dodging accountability. So take heart: she’s obviously bright! And she’s just provided you the opportunity to teach an important value.
Here’s what to do:
· Point out the reality in a low-key, non-charged way. “Mary, those are Ian’s bubbles.”
· Gain a window into her thinking and her feelings with an eye-level, connected conversation. Ask a few questions like:
· Did you just not want to wash your hands?
· Did you forget? (Sometimes “lies” are wishes.)
· What did you think would happen if you told me?
· Reflect her feelings accurately – and don’t judge. “You were scared I’d be mad!” “You really didn’t feel like washing your hands!”
· State the rule. “When we make a mistake or do something wrong, we say we did – even if it’s a little scary.”
· Require her to complete the task. When she does, celebrate with a hug.
· Rehearse for next time.
· Make it a point to model taking responsibility for a mistake or minor failing.
· Avoid negative labels, like “liar”, “stupid”, or “careless”, that harm your child’s sense of self-worth. Remember – you’re building your child’s self concept along with her ability to behave responsibly. Instead of focusing on the lie, show her how to be someone who tells the truth and is reliable. Unless this is an entrenched behavior, it’s more powerful to celebrate success than punish shortfalls.
· Watch for an opportunity to celebrate a “yay! moment” when your child tells the truth about something and when she follows through on a responsibility.
In general, keep your expectations in line with your child’s capabilities and focus on teaching rather than on consequences. If your child’s behavior triggers anger or rejection in you, take some time to work through that before reacting. Preschool spin is not a moral issue; it’s simply an opportunity to gently shape responsible behavior.
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.