It’s not that you’re not busy the rest of the year, but things are really hopping in May. The end of the school year brings a cascade of sporting events, plays, and concerts. Just when you’re congratulating yourself on your dedication – you’ve attended every practice and you’re planning to go to all three days of the class play, videocam in hand – the slightly bored voice of your teenage daughter changes the shape of your world with six perfunctory little words.
“You don’t have to come, Mom.”
What??? Of course you have to go! Your child is performing! How will she know she’s loved and supported if you’re not there? People will think you’re neglectful! And besides, you don’t want to miss a single precious second of her time in the limelight.
Moments like these are why parents sometimes need time-outs of their own.
So take a breather and get ready to grow into a new phase of parenthood.
When your teen was younger, your physical presence, hands-on instruction, and direct connection with her teachers were crucial. Parenting an adolescent, by contrast, requires taking a step back. Instead of needing you there at every practice and performance to encourage her, a teenager carries inside herself a powerful sense of your approval and confidence in her. You can support that by accepting her readiness to go it without you. Her need to be told and shown what to do is morphing into the ability to seek out people who can teach her what she needs to learn. Free her to get help from others instead of trying to be her one-stop resource. Let her move away from relying on you to hold her accountable; she is moving toward doing it herself. When kids hit adolescence, their job is to develop the ability to manage on their own. And your job is to let them.
The fact is, what feels loving and supportive to an elementary school child might very well feel intrusive and interfering to a teenager. Adolescents are experimenting with independence. It’s not that they don’t love you, but if you’re there, they can’t practice managing without you.
So swallow hard if you have to, but embrace your teen’s strides into adulthood – and celebrate by doing something that you haven’t had time to do -- until now!
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.