One of the scariest parts about walking through life’s toughest moments is the fear that our children will be harmed by seeing us upset. But if you think about it, it would be unusual indeed for a parent never to experience personal crisis over the years of parenting. What constitutes crisis is different for each of us, but whether it’s a health scare, divorce, financial worries, job loss – every parent has times when being personally overwhelmed makes it hard to take care of the kids in the way you usually do.
When those times come, you do the best you can to be present, remain positive, and meet your children’s needs. But should you try to completely hide your unhappiness?
Realistically, that’s difficult to do. Children, even infants, sense when their parents are upset. Although they may be unable to put it into words, they’re liable to be more clingy at those times.
But even if it were possible hide your feelings, it’s not necessarily the best thing to do. Consider this: One of the factors in adolescent suicide is the teen’s belief that the pain he (or she) is in is permanent, that he’ll never feel any better. Kids need their parents to show them that crisis and painful feelings are temporary states; that happiness returns, even when life has changed in a difficult way. They need to learn from you that life’s downs are followed by ups.
· It’s okay for kids occasionally to see that you’re sad or blue. If they can offer a child-sized solution like handing you a tissue, gratefully accept. Their sense of their own value and competence will grow as a result.
· Avoid letting them see you devastated; that’s frightening to children. If you’re really in pieces, find an adult confidante, whether partner, friend or professional.
· Tell kids what’s going on, in an age-appropriate way.
· Tell them that feelings blow through like storms, and people are built to handle them. Reassure them that your “feeling storm” will pass, and you will feel better.
· Tell them how. “I’m going to talk with my friend for a few minutes,” or “It helps me feel better to take a walk.”
· When you do feel better, say so, and let them know you’re “back on the job”.
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.