Imagine yourself a witness to breaking news as you oversee the activities of your three-year-old, Amber, and her friend Carly while working at your desk. Colorful toys litter the floor, more than enough to occupy the imaginations of two little children for an hour. A hush falls on the room that causes you to look up just in time to see your daughter eyeing the robot her friend is playing with. Before you can respond to the signs of impending disaster, she shrieks, “I want it now!!!!” and roughly snatches the toy from the shocked (and now crying) Carly.
All the standard thoughts and feelings rush through as you jump up to intervene. There’s a little annoyance toward Amber for not waiting her turn, concern for Carly, and a desire to restore the peace. You’re just a little glad that Carly’s mom wasn’t there to see the whole thing unfold.
But, carefully hidden from Amber, you feel a smile forming. In fact, you’re secretly delighted that your daughter knew what she wanted and got it.
You do want to stamp out Amber’s overly assertive behavior – but, you realize, not totally.
That ambivalence comes from a healthy awareness that at the core of problem behavior is the very essence of your child’s spirit. What is needed is to nurture those precious elements of her spirit while eliminating the hurtful elements of her behavior.
Maybe it’s the Puritan in us – but our impulse tends to be to focus on what needs correcting. However, it’s actually been proven to be more effective to amplify children’s strengths while negative behavior falls to the wayside.
And there’s a lot of positive here to nurture. Amber knows what she wants and feels she deserves to have it. She isn’t willing to wait forever to get it, either; she goes after it. Those strengths will help her be successful throughout her life.
So the goal is to show her what to do while she is waiting and to teach her to notice the feelings of others. At the same time, nurture her persistence and single-mindedness of purpose. Here’s how it sounds: “I appreciate that you want it! You can’t get it this way – but let’s talk about how you can.”
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., therapist, coach, and mother of two, is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.