The world of a child or a teenager is a relatively small place. It centers around family, school, perhaps a religious institution, and peers. Unlike adults, kids don’t have the freedom of venturing far outside of those boundaries. As a result, what happens within them has tremendous impact on how they feel about themselves. They learn to define and value themselves – from “popular” to “geek” -- based on how readily they are able to “fit in”.
Surprisingly, you may actually find yourself supporting this view out of the fear that if your kids don’t conform, they’ll be rejected. That’s unfortunate. Unwittingly you may be conveying to them that their value lies in being like everyone else and that they should surround themselves with peers who fit into that mold.
Enter the Excluder.
Almost every girl experiences, at least once, being on the receiving end of the actions of an Excluder, a peer who sets up situations in which a lucky few girls are part of her inner circle and the rest are actively barred entry. It may be as simple and cutting as who gets to be part of a group that travels to the prom together. Online, it’s especially vicious, when a girl is targeted and becomes the subject of groundless rumors that travel at the speed of light to her entire peer group – and beyond.
Where does behavior like this come from?
That’s another surprise. Excluding others is the natural result when kids have learned that being “popular” and conforming is valued by the significant people in their lives – including, sometimes, their parents. Some take it to the extreme by declaring themselves the judge of which peers are to be accepted and which are to be rejected.
To teach your children to value individuality and inclusiveness --
· Show them that you value other people and their feelings.
· Notice and appreciate the unique qualities of their peers rather than complimenting conformity.
· Teach that spreading rumors is unacceptable by what you say – and don’t say – about your own peers.
· On occasions when it’s inconvenient to include someone, perhaps a friend who is a little “quirky” or has a disability, show them to gladly do it anyway.
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., therapist, coach, and mother of two, is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.