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Those early ball games, before the kids have an understanding of strategy or the necessary skills to implement it, are mini-contests of endurance for dedicated parents. Sitting it out under the blazing sun, you may realize with amusement that you’ve unconsciously shifted from cheering for your child’s team to rooting generically for the outfield!
And then, when the saga is finally about to come to a close, a teammate botches an easy play, the opposing team scores two runs, and a shoe-in for a win turns into an embarrassing defeat. To cap it off, right before your disbelieving eyes, your own child throws his glove into the dirt and storms off the field.
What is at the root of this unwelcome display of poor sportsmanship? On the positive side, clearly he cares about the outcome of the game. And chances are your son is feeling exactly what the rest of the team is feeling. He just hasn’t developed the necessary filters on his behavior to choose an appropriate way to manage those emotions. As a parent, you’ve been provided a teaching opportunity.
What to teach:
· What it means to be part of a team
· How your son can contribute to helping the team become successful
· Understanding the feelings of other players
· Social skills and sportsmanship
How to do it:
· Start by putting your own emotions in check. At first blush, it’s embarrassing to have your child display such an impressive lack of sportsmanship in front of not only his own peers – but yours as well. But remember, the experience of losing the game his, not yours.
· Help him gain control of his behavior by letting him feel understood. Take a quick moment to immerse yourself in his experience. He might be feeling:
· Embarrassed
· Angry with his teammates
· Unwilling to be identified with the losers
· Frustrated
· Unable to appreciate the flow of winning and losing, and to respect the other team’s accomplishment
· Problem solve and agree on an appropriate action. If your son feels understood and supported, he may be able to quickly rejoin his team and take part in the ritual of shaking hands after the game.
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., therapist, coach, and mother of two, is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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The world of a child or a teenager is a relatively small place. It centers around family, school, perhaps a religious institution, and peers. Unlike adults, kids don’t have the freedom of venturing far outside of those boundaries. As a result, what happens within them has tremendous impact on how they feel about themselves. They learn to define and value themselves – from “popular” to “geek” -- based on how readily they are able to “fit in”.
Surprisingly, you may actually find yourself supporting this view out of the fear that if your kids don’t conform, they’ll be rejected. That’s unfortunate. Unwittingly you may be conveying to them that their value lies in being like everyone else and that they should surround themselves with peers who fit into that mold.
Enter the Excluder.
Almost every girl experiences, at least once, being on the receiving end of the actions of an Excluder, a peer who sets up situations in which a lucky few girls are part of her inner circle and the rest are actively barred entry. It may be as simple and cutting as who gets to be part of a group that travels to the prom together. Online, it’s especially vicious, when a girl is targeted and becomes the subject of groundless rumors that travel at the speed of light to her entire peer group – and beyond.
Where does behavior like this come from?
That’s another surprise. Excluding others is the natural result when kids have learned that being “popular” and conforming is valued by the significant people in their lives – including, sometimes, their parents. Some take it to the extreme by declaring themselves the judge of which peers are to be accepted and which are to be rejected.
To teach your children to value individuality and inclusiveness --
· Show them that you value other people and their feelings.
· Notice and appreciate the unique qualities of their peers rather than complimenting conformity.
· Teach that spreading rumors is unacceptable by what you say – and don’t say – about your own peers.
· On occasions when it’s inconvenient to include someone, perhaps a friend who is a little “quirky” or has a disability, show them to gladly do it anyway.
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., therapist, coach, and mother of two, is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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Imagine yourself a witness to breaking news as you oversee the activities of your three-year-old, Amber, and her friend Carly while working at your desk. Colorful toys litter the floor, more than enough to occupy the imaginations of two little children for an hour. A hush falls on the room that causes you to look up just in time to see your daughter eyeing the robot her friend is playing with. Before you can respond to the signs of impending disaster, she shrieks, “I want it now!!!!” and roughly snatches the toy from the shocked (and now crying) Carly.
All the standard thoughts and feelings rush through as you jump up to intervene. There’s a little annoyance toward Amber for not waiting her turn, concern for Carly, and a desire to restore the peace. You’re just a little glad that Carly’s mom wasn’t there to see the whole thing unfold.
But, carefully hidden from Amber, you feel a smile forming. In fact, you’re secretly delighted that your daughter knew what she wanted and got it.
You do want to stamp out Amber’s overly assertive behavior – but, you realize, not totally.
That ambivalence comes from a healthy awareness that at the core of problem behavior is the very essence of your child’s spirit. What is needed is to nurture those precious elements of her spirit while eliminating the hurtful elements of her behavior.
Maybe it’s the Puritan in us – but our impulse tends to be to focus on what needs correcting. However, it’s actually been proven to be more effective to amplify children’s strengths while negative behavior falls to the wayside.
And there’s a lot of positive here to nurture. Amber knows what she wants and feels she deserves to have it. She isn’t willing to wait forever to get it, either; she goes after it. Those strengths will help her be successful throughout her life.
So the goal is to show her what to do while she is waiting and to teach her to notice the feelings of others. At the same time, nurture her persistence and single-mindedness of purpose. Here’s how it sounds: “I appreciate that you want it! You can’t get it this way – but let’s talk about how you can.”
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., therapist, coach, and mother of two, is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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Kids and pets just go together. It starts harmlessly with the goldfish won at the school carnival, graduates to hamsters, and before you know it the ante is upped. Your children want a dog. And a dog can be a beloved addition to your family, if you go in with your eyes open.
· Be realistic about the work that having a dog entails. Decide how much of it you can take on.
· Have your kids list the tasks (including how often and how much time they take) involved in taking care of a puppy. Then work together to determine how those things will get done.
· Don’t expect more of your children than they are capable of doing. Housebreaking, supervising, and obedience training a puppy are tough jobs that take endurance and a sense of humor. Most kids under the age of twelve can’t handle them on their own.
· Plan for the supervision that a puppy requires. The worst disaster my own family had with an escaped hamster was chewed-through dishwasher hose ($139), followed by my having to stake out the hamster at midnight in the den to catch it. (Hamsters are nocturnal, and they might be related to mice, but you surely cannot set a trap!) Puppies are a different proposition entirely. They chew furniture, rugs, books, and anything else that attracts them; make messes on the floor; chase other pets. Some damage and disruption are a certainty, and unlike a hamster, it’s not fair to confine a puppy to a cage full-time.
· Practice before making a decision. If your child will need to get up fifteen minutes earlier every morning to feed and walk the dog, require him to rehearse that for a couple of weeks. Gain real experience by taking care of a friend’s dog for a few days.
· Don’t use a beloved pet as a bargaining chip. Expect that your children will need reminders and encouragement to consistently, reliably take care of the dog. Plan to work through lapses in responsibility rather than threatening to give away their canine friend.
Summer is ideal for housebreaking a puppy if family members are home during the day to help. So plan carefully, get ready for loves and licks, and have a ball!
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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One of the scariest parts about walking through life’s toughest moments is the fear that our children will be harmed by seeing us upset. But if you think about it, it would be unusual indeed for a parent never to experience personal crisis over the years of parenting. What constitutes crisis is different for each of us, but whether it’s a health scare, divorce, financial worries, job loss – every parent has times when being personally overwhelmed makes it hard to take care of the kids in the way you usually do.
When those times come, you do the best you can to be present, remain positive, and meet your children’s needs. But should you try to completely hide your unhappiness?
Realistically, that’s difficult to do. Children, even infants, sense when their parents are upset. Although they may be unable to put it into words, they’re liable to be more clingy at those times.
But even if it were possible hide your feelings, it’s not necessarily the best thing to do. Consider this: One of the factors in adolescent suicide is the teen’s belief that the pain he (or she) is in is permanent, that he’ll never feel any better. Kids need their parents to show them that crisis and painful feelings are temporary states; that happiness returns, even when life has changed in a difficult way. They need to learn from you that life’s downs are followed by ups.
· It’s okay for kids occasionally to see that you’re sad or blue. If they can offer a child-sized solution like handing you a tissue, gratefully accept. Their sense of their own value and competence will grow as a result.
· Avoid letting them see you devastated; that’s frightening to children. If you’re really in pieces, find an adult confidante, whether partner, friend or professional.
· Tell kids what’s going on, in an age-appropriate way.
· Tell them that feelings blow through like storms, and people are built to handle them. Reassure them that your “feeling storm” will pass, and you will feel better.
· Tell them how. “I’m going to talk with my friend for a few minutes,” or “It helps me feel better to take a walk.”
· When you do feel better, say so, and let them know you’re “back on the job”.
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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It’s not that you’re not busy the rest of the year, but things are really hopping in May. The end of the school year brings a cascade of sporting events, plays, and concerts. Just when you’re congratulating yourself on your dedication – you’ve attended every practice and you’re planning to go to all three days of the class play, videocam in hand – the slightly bored voice of your teenage daughter changes the shape of your world with six perfunctory little words.
“You don’t have to come, Mom.”
What??? Of course you have to go! Your child is performing! How will she know she’s loved and supported if you’re not there? People will think you’re neglectful! And besides, you don’t want to miss a single precious second of her time in the limelight.
Moments like these are why parents sometimes need time-outs of their own.
So take a breather and get ready to grow into a new phase of parenthood.
When your teen was younger, your physical presence, hands-on instruction, and direct connection with her teachers were crucial. Parenting an adolescent, by contrast, requires taking a step back. Instead of needing you there at every practice and performance to encourage her, a teenager carries inside herself a powerful sense of your approval and confidence in her. You can support that by accepting her readiness to go it without you. Her need to be told and shown what to do is morphing into the ability to seek out people who can teach her what she needs to learn. Free her to get help from others instead of trying to be her one-stop resource. Let her move away from relying on you to hold her accountable; she is moving toward doing it herself. When kids hit adolescence, their job is to develop the ability to manage on their own. And your job is to let them.
The fact is, what feels loving and supportive to an elementary school child might very well feel intrusive and interfering to a teenager. Adolescents are experimenting with independence. It’s not that they don’t love you, but if you’re there, they can’t practice managing without you.
So swallow hard if you have to, but embrace your teen’s strides into adulthood – and celebrate by doing something that you haven’t had time to do -- until now!
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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An ounce of prevention
for homesickness
Summer camp sounds like a carefree vacation with just the right mix of the outdoors, great activities and the company of friends.
And it is all that, but there’s also another side to the experience. Going away from home is hard work developmentally and emotionally for kids. The structure of their familiar daily routine and the support of people who love them is suddenly replaced with a whole set of new experiences.
Relocating from a brightly lit bedroom with Mom and Dad down the hall to a cabin that’s pitch dark at night, a wash house at the end of a trail, and a sea of new faces requires some quick adapting.
It’s the rare child who does not experience some homesickness when going away for the first time.
You can help your kids feel strong and capable when they’re separated from family:
§ Teach your child to express his own thoughts and emotions. The more self-aware your child is, the more self-reliant he’ll feel when he’s separated from you.
§ Support your child’s independence in daily routines and household chores.
§ Involve your child in decision-making about camp.
§ Meet other campers and counselors – in person or by e-mail.
§ Plan a virtual or actual visit to the camp. Let your camper see where she’ll eat, sleep and wash up – as well as all the great activities that will be available to her.
§ Talk about what feelings to expect and what to do when they happen. Have your child describe to you a time she felt sad and how it went away, so that she has that memory to draw upon.
§ Plan to write letters and bring something special from home.
§ Spending a few days with relatives provides kids with a gentle introduction to being on their own.
If your child’s homesickness hangs on:
§ Accept her feelings without anger or disappointment. Being homesick is not your child’s “fault.” A homesick child wants to feel better, but doesn’t know how.
§ Don’t bribe or threaten in an effort to get your child to cooperate.
§ Keep promises about phone calls and return dates.
§ Some kids do need to come home. If your child is unable to eat, sleep or enjoy any activities, let her try again later.
For more information, visit www.beechacres.org.
--Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
© 2007 Beech Acres Parenting Center
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“I did use soap! See the bubbles?” proclaims your sticky-fingered 3-year-old, chin jutted out, barely taller than the bathroom sink.
It’s a shock to discover that your child has developed the savvy to spin a tall tale to avoid your disapproval! Not to worry: it’s normal for kids to experiment with avoiding rules and consequences. Your child is showing that she knows what she should have done and she knows to attempt to avoid trouble by dodging accountability. So take heart: she’s obviously bright! And she’s just provided you the opportunity to teach an important value.
Here’s what to do:
· Point out the reality in a low-key, non-charged way. “Mary, those are Ian’s bubbles.”
· Gain a window into her thinking and her feelings with an eye-level, connected conversation. Ask a few questions like:
· Did you just not want to wash your hands?
· Did you forget? (Sometimes “lies” are wishes.)
· What did you think would happen if you told me?
· Reflect her feelings accurately – and don’t judge. “You were scared I’d be mad!” “You really didn’t feel like washing your hands!”
· State the rule. “When we make a mistake or do something wrong, we say we did – even if it’s a little scary.”
· Require her to complete the task. When she does, celebrate with a hug.
· Rehearse for next time.
· Make it a point to model taking responsibility for a mistake or minor failing.
· Avoid negative labels, like “liar”, “stupid”, or “careless”, that harm your child’s sense of self-worth. Remember – you’re building your child’s self concept along with her ability to behave responsibly. Instead of focusing on the lie, show her how to be someone who tells the truth and is reliable. Unless this is an entrenched behavior, it’s more powerful to celebrate success than punish shortfalls.
· Watch for an opportunity to celebrate a “yay! moment” when your child tells the truth about something and when she follows through on a responsibility.
In general, keep your expectations in line with your child’s capabilities and focus on teaching rather than on consequences. If your child’s behavior triggers anger or rejection in you, take some time to work through that before reacting. Preschool spin is not a moral issue; it’s simply an opportunity to gently shape responsible behavior.
Information: www.beechacres.org
Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center.
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Turning sixteen is the exciting first step into the adult world of possibility, independence, college, careers, and a life of one’s own – but it’s not magic. Hitting that 16th birthday doesn’t transform the adolescent who couldn’t remember to take out the garbage yesterday into a bastion of maturity. However, maturity is what’s needed for your teen to safely drive a car. So what’s a parent to do?
Start by thinking of the law as the minimum driving age.
Next, size up your teen’s readiness to be responsible for the lives of others – as well as for an expensive automobile. Does he or she:
· Accept and consistently follow through on household chores, school and job responsibilities?
· Take care of valuable property – whether it’s making sure to lock the doors of the house or taking care of his expensive cello?
· Think things through rather than acting impulsively, especially when excited or angry?
· Demonstrate a commitment to the safety of self and others – and recognize and correct unsafe conditions?
No teen is perfect, but a consistent record of thoughtful, responsible behavior is an important indicator of driving readiness.
According to the experts, becoming a competent driver takes at least two years. While a professional driving school can start that process, new drivers need many more hours of supervised driving than a driving course can provide. It’s essential to plan with your teen how that supervised practice will occur.
Even if teaching is your strength, teaching a teen to drive can be stressful for both parent and student. Check yourself against this list, and if your temperament and relationship with your teen would make driving lessons tough, it’s a winning choice to find another trusted adult who is willing to step in.
You’ll need:
· The ability to break down a task into tiny steps and patiently teach each one
· The ability to stay cool under pressure – or, as your teen might say, “Don’t freak out!!!” That’s not easy when the passenger side of the car is close to scraping a guard rail.
· Caution, but not fear. Both are contagious, but generating anxiety in your teen is not helpful.
· A collaborative relationship with your teen so that he or she can comfortably accept direction from you.
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A household is really a small community, and just as in a school or a neighborhood, its success depends on everyone’s participation. An important aspect of that success is taking care of the house. With a small “community” of busy people, that’s not always easy to do. However, when each family member feels some ownership in the results, keeping things running don’t have to be a source of ongoing strife.
Traditionally, parents assign chores to each child, based on age and sometimes gender. “Eric, you take out the garbage; Lynn, you dry the dishes.” Next follows the litany of reminders and recriminations. “Don’t forget – dishes before television,” and “Why is that garbage can in the middle of the driveway!” While children do need consistent follow-through from their parents, you can eliminate most of the begging and yelling connected to getting them to complete their chores.
Bringing your workplace skills home can really help. Instead of becoming the enforcer of chores, think of yourself as the CEO of the household.
· Together, start by creating a vision of how you’d like your home to feel and look. You and your spouse might imagine an orderly space that welcomes you at the end of the day. Your teen’s ideal might be a place to bring friends where there’s no yelling or nagging. Little ones might think of special time for a game with mom or dad.
· Work backwards from the vision to list what needs to happen in order to bring it to life. Identify areas of responsibility rather than specific chores.
· Choose a take-charge person –a manager – to create the results you’re seeking. Start small. If a clean, neat family room is what you’re after, talk about what that looks like – no toys on the floor, clean carpet, furniture dusted. Younger kids can handle a chore within an area with an older sibling as manager. “Managers” are responsible to treat their helpers fairly.
Management has its perks. It allows kids to be leaders rather than feeling bossed around. It gives them the freedom to create their own plan for achieving results. It teaches them to enlist the help of others. Giving them the opportunity to “take charge” is a great way to build children’s sense of responsibility.
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Going back to work? It’s an exciting new beginning – and having that steady paycheck means a lot in terms of security and opportunities for your family. But sometime during your first week working outside your home you’re likely to become painfully aware of the sheer quantity of details and tasks that you handled automatically before.
That realization leaves you with a choice to make. One option is to try to “do it all.” At least you’ll know it’s getting done (mostly). But the downside of trying to be “super mom” is the stress and resentment that can result from being overloaded. When you’re exhausted, you don’t get to enjoy the very family you’re trying to take care of. And, from their perspective, you’re not only gone while you’re at work; you’re also too busy to be truly present when you’re home.
Another choice is to build a family Get-It-Done Team. When circumstances change, it’s healthy to shake things up a little and manage household tasks in new ways. Including your children in a plan to share the tasks that you handled single-handedly before allows them to feel the importance of the contributions they make. That, in turn, builds self esteem.
Start by coming to an agreement as parents about the goals you have for your Get-It-Done Team. Your team can:
· Create a sense of a family unit that pulls together to get things done
· Engage children in household tasks in a way that enables them to feel positive about contributing
· Teach responsibility
· Prevent the burn-out that comes with doing it all yourself
Once you’ve identified your goals as parents, it’s time to have a family meeting. You agenda should include these steps:
· Develop a vision that you all share – like creating a tidy, relaxed household with less yelling, and time for parents and kids to have fun together
· List household tasks -- from calling the plumber to paying the bills. This helps kids see the fairness of sharing the load.
· Choose a take-charge person for each chore
· Plan a way to track results.
· Celebrate success with a family fun activity.
The feeling of everyone working together creates new energy that will help your whole family adapt to their working mom.
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Why is it that when you reasonably answer “no” to your child’s request, it sometimes results in hurt feelings that last for hours or even days? Even more mysterious, why is it that hearing “no” from other people doesn’t seem to upset her? Take this example --
Friday night has arrived, a TGIF if ever there was one. You are beyond ready to put your feet up – right after you pick up your 14-year-old daughter and her friends from the movies. Relief is so close you can almost touch it. You’re a darned good sport to be providing taxi service after a week like this.
An hour later, the last friend having been delivered to her door, your daughter turns to you in the car and says, “Mom – you know that camera you said I could get? I found one, and they’re open ‘til midnight. Can we get it tonight? Please???”
You manage to stifle a scream as the response leaps from your lips:
“No, we can not!!”
Before you can even take another breath, your daughter has slouched into the car door as far away from you as possible, an island of anger and hurt. How is this possible, you wonder in frustration. Suddenly the weekend feels more taxing than the five days that preceded it.
The answer lies in the words you haven’t said. What’s hurtful to kids – and why they may become so upset – is not the frustration of not getting what they want. It’s the messages that ride along with the “no” that harm their spirits and affect your relationship.
Messages like:
· How dare you ask!
· How selfish!
· Your wishes are outrageous.
· You are so demanding!
· Your needs drain me.
It’s possible to say “no” without all those negative messages, by having empathy for yourself and your child.
· Accept the importance of the request to the child.
· Accept your own limitations. It’s natural to be tired after a long week.
· Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.
· Acknowledge your desire to give your child what she wants – even when you can’t deliver it.
Here’s how it sounds: “I know it’s important to you, I really wish I could make it happen, but I just can’t.”
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‘Helicopter parents’ –
too much of a good thing?
It can be tough to decide how best to respond when your child has a problem. On one hand, you don’t want your kids to experience unnecessary pain; on the other hand, you want them to grow up to be responsible.
Besides, it’s a competitive world, and you don’t want your children’s mistakes to cost them opportunities that require a record of high achievement.
In this context, it feels urgent to advocate for your daughter with the soccer coach when she’s benched for missing practice, or complain to the English teacher when your son’s excellent composition is downgraded because it was turned in late. How will she get into Select Soccer if she doesn’t play today? What if he loses his chance for Harvard because of a “B” on this paper?
Parents jump into situations like these with the best of intentions, and your “saving the day” may make your child feel more successful and happy in the present.
But in the long run, rescuing kids from their own mistakes prevents them from developing a sense of pride and responsibility that will sustain them throughout their lives. Like medical “air care,” it’s best to save the helicopter for true emergencies.
How do you decide what to do?
- Recognize that some of the most important lessons children learn in school and in extracurricular activities relate to responsibility. Owning the consequences of their actions is essential to becoming happy, productive adults.
- Children are resilient! Good parenting doesn’t mean trying to prevent your children from ever feeling disappointed or sad. Instead, use your compassion to help your child manage and learn from those feelings when a mistake is made.
- Avoid swooping in to “fix” your children’s mistakes – whether it’s dropping off the forgotten lunch or staying up until 4 a.m. to complete their science project. When you take over, it robs your children of the experiences of responsibility and accomplishment that are the building blocks of self-esteem.
- Assess your child’s ability to deal with the situation. Unless your child is truly overwhelmed, help him work out a plan rather than solving the problem for him.
- Sometimes parents do need to intervene. If your child is upset day after day, dreads school or activities, or is not progressing academically, it’s time to talk with the teacher or coach.
--Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is Director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center, as well as a parent coach, therapist and mother of two, ages 25 and 27.
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Less pressure,
more fun with
your children
It’s an energizing idea to build fun into the whirlwind of family life, but scheduling some playtime may sound impossible.
Top priority already goes to the things that absolutely have to be accomplished -- like getting the kids off to school in the morning, fed at night, and making sure they do their homework. Next in line is transporting them to a myriad of extracurricular activities. Superimposed onto the whole picture are your own work responsibilities.
The result of this balancing act can be a sense of never-ending pressure for every member of the family. How could adding one more thing increase anyone’s energy?
The days of both parents and children are filled with tasks and obligations. For children, there are chores, homework and participation in required classes. For parents, the task list can be overwhelming; even more so for single and working parents. You may be dismayed to find yourself resenting the number of responsibilities, large and small, that parenting entails.
That’s a normal feeling – and it’s also a sure sign that it’s time to make some changes.
Caught up in the effort to get it all done, parents and kids lose touch with each other. Having fun together is a way to reconnect, and that connection is the spark that makes everything else worthwhile. When you and your children play together, you each have the precious experience of simply being enjoyed by one another.
Those moments create a bank account of positive feeling that can help every member of the family tackle their responsibilities with renewed energy.
The hardest part may be changing your mindset from, “There’s no time to play,” to “No matter what else is going on, we’re going to have some fun together!”
Once you’ve done that, the opportunities just appear, such as:
§ Having a three-minute pillow fight while you are straightening up the den.
§ Stopping to read a story together that was left on the floor.
§ Having a spelling bee where each child is asked the words from the school spelling list.
It may be counter-intuitive, but the tiredness you feel after a game of gin rummy is likely to create just the energy surge you need to greet tomorrow’s busy day with a smile.
--Fran Hendrick, M.Ed., P.C.C., is Director of Parenting Resources at Beech Acres Parenting Center, as well as a parent coach, therapist and mother of two, ages 25 and 27.
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Building your
child’s readiness
for summer camp
It may look like the North Pole outside your living room window, but look again! Summer’s just a blink away, and that means it’s already time to think about summer camp.
It’s amazing what kids can pick up in those few short, but powerful weeks of sleep-away camp. With opportunities for swimming, sailing, canoeing or waterskiing, campers learn the skills to manage themselves safely in the water. Hiking and camping give them a chance to experience the natural environment in ways that aren’t available to them the rest of the year.
If they’re ready for it, being away from Mom and Dad allows kids to leap forward emotionally, too, as they make new friends, learn to trust and respond to their counselors, and manage their day-to-day responsibilities with relative independence.
But when kids go away before they’re ready, the experience can be too emotionally challenging for them, and do more harm than good.
Determining whether your child is ready is partly intuition and partly a matter of taking some practical steps.
§ Pay attention to your gut. If your child has trouble separating from you and you sense that a long separation at a new place would be overwhelming, then it’s probably not time to head off to camp without you for several weeks.
§ Start with day camp. That way your child can learn what camp is all about before taking the step of going away from home.
§ Before attempting overnight camp, your child should be able to go on and enjoy sleepovers with friends. A great next step is a “practice trip,” such as a two- to three-day trip to visit an out-of-town friend or relative.
§ Choose a camp that provides the supports your child needs – for making friends, for managing the daily routine and for any special needs your child has.
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